Hello everyone.
There has been something on my mind for quite some time, and I think it's about time to hash it out with ya'll.
Babies
I've had several conversations recently with people sans babies who are questioning whether they really want to get themselves into the situation of having babies. I count myself as one of these people.
The problem is that the longer you allow yourself to be sans-baby, the more chances you have to watch how the lives of people with babies change. As an outsider, you witness the reality of a situation wherein your friends' lives are basically usurped by the baby. Your own situation, with its privacy, sleeping in, personal time and extra spending money starts to look awfully appealing, and you aren't sure you want to let it go.
Maybe this sounds selfish, but I don't see it that way. I think it's just about what kind of life you want to have.
From my perspective right now, here's how I see it.
Having a baby, pros and cons.
Pros:
There has been something on my mind for quite some time, and I think it's about time to hash it out with ya'll.
Babies
I've had several conversations recently with people sans babies who are questioning whether they really want to get themselves into the situation of having babies. I count myself as one of these people.
The problem is that the longer you allow yourself to be sans-baby, the more chances you have to watch how the lives of people with babies change. As an outsider, you witness the reality of a situation wherein your friends' lives are basically usurped by the baby. Your own situation, with its privacy, sleeping in, personal time and extra spending money starts to look awfully appealing, and you aren't sure you want to let it go.
Maybe this sounds selfish, but I don't see it that way. I think it's just about what kind of life you want to have.
From my perspective right now, here's how I see it.
Having a baby, pros and cons.
Pros:
- Experience a once-in-a-lifetime bond with your offspring
- Build new family memories and traditions
- Create someone who will (hopefully) help take care of you when you get really old
- Create someone who will (hopefully) be an awesome friend when you are both adults
Cons:
- Sacrifice basically the entire life you have before having babies
- Inability to spend money on yourself
- Sacrifice your youthful figure (if you're the mom)
- Sacrifice almost all of your personal space and time
- Potentially create an awful human being
- Create massive amount of debt for college tuition
- Deal with:
- Temper tantrums
- Vomiting and diarrhea in public
- Screaming on planes
- Fighting in the back seat of the car
- Teenagers
- Never-ending, life-long worry about happiness and well-being of the child
- Potential serious relationship issues arising at various stages of kid's life
Sigh.
I'm not saying that I don't love babies and kids. I actually like kids more than babies. I've never been a huge baby fan. They tend to look all squished and red and weird looking when they come out and don't really turn cute for a few months. Also, they aren't very interesting (at least from an outsiders point of view.) The idea of having to watch over it ALL THE TIME seems insufferable. However, I suppose if I created my own baby, I'd be endlessly fascinated with it.
But that's the point, right? When you have a baby, nature takes over and produces all of these hormones that basically ensure that you bond with your baby. I'm not sure how long these hormones last...as in, whether they are still in place when/if your teen becomes addicted to oxycontin and starts stealing from you. But, let's stick with the baby phase. The point IS, that before you have a baby is the only time that you can think logically about it, which is what I am trying to do.
Really, what logical reason is there to have a baby? The world is overcrowded. Americans use way more energy and resources than people of any other country, so why create more of them? Furthermore, research has shown that couples without children tend to be happier than couples with children. Yet, we keep having them.
Is it because we feel pressure by society to have babies? Is it because our biological clocks push us to procreate like any other animal seeking to perpetuate his/her genes? Probably both.
However, unlike other animals, we are able pause to consider the implications of creating another human...sometimes. Sometimes teen moms happen.
I know that if I had a baby, I'd love it so much.
I also know that if I didn't have a baby, I'd also be really happy.
Both life paths could bring happiness and fulfillment.
However, the longer I think about it, the more difficult the choice becomes, because of the aforementioned cons. But I know that those pros probably astronomically outweigh these.
This is why, perhaps it is actually better to have a kid when you are younger than I am. I've had too much time to think it over and too much time to be on my own. Also, one's best baby-making years are in one's late teens and 20s anyway. Let's face it...one must consider fertility as a variable in all this.
I have no answer to this puzzle other than to say that I do see all these babies around me and kind of want one sometimes. I have loved being a member of my own family and must admit that the only way that came to be was because my parents made a decision to have me and my brother and raise us to be awesome. They sacrificed in order to bring us into the world and now I am here to consider whether I want to make that same sacrifice.
Anyway, I want to know your thoughts.
I presume it is impossible to imagine the joys of motherhood before having the opportunity to experience it, but I agree that the longer I wait, the harder it is to imagine my life changing so drastically. I do know, though, that when I take the leap, you will need to also (and vice versa) because our kids need cousins! Forget Andy and Ryan...we will make this decision together ;)
ReplyDeleteAgreed. I would not do this without you, sis-law!
DeleteI concur with your blog. The longer I have waited, the less I have wanted kids. I actually thought the older I would get, the more I would want them. I had a woman I work with whose husband just left her after having their second baby. She said the best thing about motherhood is the way the kids love you and bring so much warmth to your life. But I have Juan for that :)
ReplyDeleteI'll never be able to make this as sensible as the first time I wrote, but I'll try!
ReplyDeleteYes, the longer you wait and the older you get the more set in your ways you become, and its natural to think that you will be unable or unwilling to change your life to accommodate a child. What you don't know is that the second you see that little baby that your body and the man you love just produced you will gladly make any changes necessary, without even thinking twice. And the truth is that with a flexible attitude and a good partner there's not much you really need to give up. You get so much in return that any trade-offs are negligible.
But the biggest factor that no one can really understand until they live through it is how completely, and wonderfully, a child changes your prospective and appreciation for all aspects of your OWN life. Watching a child grow intellectually, and seeing them experience each new aspect of life for the first time, from a new toy, music, ice cream, a puppy,etc... allows you to see your own childhood and life with new eyes. You get to relive all those experiences, but as an adult you will appreciate them in a whole new way. I can't explain how amazing this is - you grow up with your baby, and in helping them to learn about the world they help you to live it more fully.
I'm sure you have friends who think they don't want or need kids in their lives to be happy, but how will they feel in the future? You aren't the same person you were 1, 5 or 10 years ago so why do you think you'll want the same things in the future that you do now? We know several couples who now have real regrets about not having children, but until they turned 40 they were too busy with careers or just having fun to think about it. There's seldom a perfect time to have a child, but once its too late, its over. Life is longer than you think right now, but the time you spend with a child will go by so quickly that once they've left home you'll surprised.
As for all your cons - you don't NEED to sacrifice your figure if you have the same self-discipline that got you in the good shape you now are in. You can still spend money on yourself, but as you get older you'll find that there's fewer "things" needed to make you happy. And its really fun to buy stuff for a kid! You have wonderful parents who would LOVE to babysit so you can still take an adult vacation now and then. Dylan and Col are spending 5 days in Paris this summer and Owen is coming to us! By the time your kid is old enough for college someone will have either worked out the cost/debt problem or else there will be a realistic alternative. Who knows? Maybe he/she won't want to go to college, but will tinker around in the garage and invent the next Big Thing. Or they'll become an apprentice and eventually a plumber, and make more money than you ever did. In any case you can't worry about that now. Obviously you won't create a terrible human being because you have too much love in you to allow that to happen, which is also the answer to worrying about a child creating serious relationship issues. Yes, you'll occasionally disagree about how to raise the child, but do you think if you don't have a child that you'll never disagree about Anything?
I have to admit that the first year was not my favorite period of parenthood, but the child changes Every day, and before you know it they're smiling at you, snuggling into your arms and looking at you like you are the answer to all the world's problems. And you know - it makes you want to be just that!
Wow Annette! That is quite a convincing argument :)
ReplyDeleteMy only thought is, it has to be ok to not have kids too, because some people can't have kids. So life has to be fulfilling with or without, otherwise people who can't have kids will always feel like their lives are lacking. I think it's important to realize that having children is not the be-all, end-all of life. You know?
I think you can be happy in both situations. I think you don't know what you are missing if you don't have children, and therefore you find your own sense of self and fulfillment in other ways. And, if you've had children, you can't imagine life any differently. You have crossed over to the "other side" and there's no returning (or remembering) the life you had before.
ReplyDeleteIf you've had children, you suppose your life to be so fulfilled and assume that this fulfillment is only possible because of your children. But is this the only path to joy? What does this say about my friends and family who have not been able to have children? They seem pretty fulfilled most of the time...as much as any of us can be.
But, there is a type of 'child' love that only can be felt for children. That's why losing a child to death or severe injury is a lifelong misery. As a resut, we who have had children have these scales balanced on each side with great joy/great fears.
In the 21st century. having children is a weightier decision than when having children was a fait accompli. If I had to chose now, I too would be on the fence. As a mother, I know my own children would find that shocking...but it has nothing to do with my love for them.