I have a theory.
And this theory is that Men just don't understand.
Let me tell you a story.
Yesterday at work, I was talking to my friend Yvonne about how my good friend and her family are probably going to move abroad and I suddenly was completely overwhelmed by emotion. If you're a woman, you know the feeling. I knew the next words coming out of my mouth would be wavering. My eyes started to well up. I couldn't even exactly express why I felt so MUCH at that moment, but it was a lot. It was everything...my friend moving away, my friends and I not seeing each other as much, our lives moving onward and apart. But mostly, it was hormones.
On my way home a little later, my parents called to say hi. "How was your day?" My mom asked. "Well...I don't know. I felt down today." I told her. "I found out that my friend is probably moving abroad and, I don't know...I just suddenly got really sad about it."
My dad joined the phone call. "That's fantastic!" He said. Not about me being sad, but about my friend's opportunity to move. "Where is she moving?" I talked a little bit about what I knew, and, my voice breaking, said "I just feel like...everything is changing. Everything is changing all around me."
My dad snorted, "Well you're going to have to get over THAT."
Sigh. Men just don't understand.
I arrived at my house, feeling even more weepy, looking forward to seeing my smiley husband when I walked in the door. Ryan has this way of usually making me feel better instantly with his broad, handsome smile and perpetually cheerful mood. Last night though, I attempted to communicate to him my emotional unrest. In attempting to communicate about emotions to a man, one must be simple and direct. Do not even attempt to expound upon the depth of your emotions. They won't understand, so it's better to sum up. "My friend is probably moving abroad. I'm feeling sad about it."
"What's to feel sad about?" He asked me, drying his hair as he stepped out of the shower. "It's not like she'll be gone forever."
"It's not that. It's just...I just feel sad that everything is changing." I started tearing up.
With a look that was part sympathy, mostly tough love, he said, "Well Katie, you're going to have to just get over that!"
Sigh. I'm telling you. Men just don't understand.
I sent him downstairs to get started on dinner, sat on my bed, allowing the emotion to roll over me like a wave. I cried for 5 minutes. Then, I wiped my eyes, got up, and went downstairs to get on with my evening.
What I really should have done is marched right downstairs to my sis-law Andrea's apartment and burst into tears. She would have poured me a glass of wine, sat me down on the sofa, and asked, "What's going on?" She would have sat and listened to me talk with a sympathetic expression on her face, and after I finished, she would have said, "I know exactly how you feel. I've felt like that before."
When Andrea gets like that, she IMs me and tells me that she needs a Heath bar. When she says she needs a Heath bar, I know exactly what kind of day she's having. When my mom gets like that, she sends me a text that says that she's "weepy". We women are like a club. There's no need to describe why or how. It just IS. These feelings just ARE.
Do men even have hormones? I know they have hormones, but you know what I mean. Most of these ups and downs are directly tied to our hormonal state, and let's be clear here...we are constantly in flux.
Men have no idea what it feels like to wake up and feel like your entire emotional world has spun 180 on its axis overnight. But let me see if I can describe it for you so you can understand.
Men: Think about if you're working in your tool shed and you bang your thumb really hard with the hammer and the second after you bang your thumb, someone walks up to you and wants to have a conversation. That's what it feels like ALL DAY. Not the pain, but the feeling like everyone who wants to interact with you has no concept of what you're feeling inside and you just want everyone to just shut the fuck up so you can process.
Think about the last time that you cried about something. If you're man, that's probably when you either A) Broke up with someone you love or B) Had a family member die. Because men don't cry. I've never seen a man cry unless it is one of these two scenarios. Then, imagine this feeling randomly coming over you for a reason that you simply cannot identify. Like, you're peeling a banana and suddenly it's like your heart is broken. And then someone comes up to you and asks you why you're crying, and you attempt to try to put into words why it is that you're crying, but all you can come up with is that you felt sad about peeling the banana.
So, that's basically what it feels like. And, every woman knows what this feels like, which is why every woman knows how to handle another woman who is in this state.
Men, I recognize that you will never understand.
But perhaps I can give you some advice for what NOT to do when your woman is like this.
1) Don't try to solve the problem. If she's sad about the banana peel, just let her cry about the banana peel. Don't be like, "Why don't we think over other ways that you could open the banana?" "What if we just didn't buy bananas any more?"
2) Don't dismiss her feelings. "Don't you think that maybe you're being a little irrational about the banana peel?" "All bananas get peeled eventually! You need to just get over it!"
3) Don't ask her a million questions. "Do you want me to just get rid of the bananas?" "Do you want me to construct a banana peeling machine to help?" "Should I just go in the kitchen and peel all the bananas so that you don't have to look at them?"
Here's what to do. It's really, really simple.
Just sit down, and listen quietly to her whole story. Give her a hug. Offer to do something nice that you know soothes her. Just LISTEN to her. All she wants is a sympathetic ear, and that's way easier to give than attempting to fix the problem.
And there you have it.
I hope that this has been helpful.
Now, I'm going to go weep into my glass of wine and wait for my husband to come home so I can overwhelm him.
And this theory is that Men just don't understand.
Let me tell you a story.
Yesterday at work, I was talking to my friend Yvonne about how my good friend and her family are probably going to move abroad and I suddenly was completely overwhelmed by emotion. If you're a woman, you know the feeling. I knew the next words coming out of my mouth would be wavering. My eyes started to well up. I couldn't even exactly express why I felt so MUCH at that moment, but it was a lot. It was everything...my friend moving away, my friends and I not seeing each other as much, our lives moving onward and apart. But mostly, it was hormones.
On my way home a little later, my parents called to say hi. "How was your day?" My mom asked. "Well...I don't know. I felt down today." I told her. "I found out that my friend is probably moving abroad and, I don't know...I just suddenly got really sad about it."
My dad joined the phone call. "That's fantastic!" He said. Not about me being sad, but about my friend's opportunity to move. "Where is she moving?" I talked a little bit about what I knew, and, my voice breaking, said "I just feel like...everything is changing. Everything is changing all around me."
My dad snorted, "Well you're going to have to get over THAT."
Sigh. Men just don't understand.
I arrived at my house, feeling even more weepy, looking forward to seeing my smiley husband when I walked in the door. Ryan has this way of usually making me feel better instantly with his broad, handsome smile and perpetually cheerful mood. Last night though, I attempted to communicate to him my emotional unrest. In attempting to communicate about emotions to a man, one must be simple and direct. Do not even attempt to expound upon the depth of your emotions. They won't understand, so it's better to sum up. "My friend is probably moving abroad. I'm feeling sad about it."
"What's to feel sad about?" He asked me, drying his hair as he stepped out of the shower. "It's not like she'll be gone forever."
"It's not that. It's just...I just feel sad that everything is changing." I started tearing up.
With a look that was part sympathy, mostly tough love, he said, "Well Katie, you're going to have to just get over that!"
Sigh. I'm telling you. Men just don't understand.
I sent him downstairs to get started on dinner, sat on my bed, allowing the emotion to roll over me like a wave. I cried for 5 minutes. Then, I wiped my eyes, got up, and went downstairs to get on with my evening.
What I really should have done is marched right downstairs to my sis-law Andrea's apartment and burst into tears. She would have poured me a glass of wine, sat me down on the sofa, and asked, "What's going on?" She would have sat and listened to me talk with a sympathetic expression on her face, and after I finished, she would have said, "I know exactly how you feel. I've felt like that before."
When Andrea gets like that, she IMs me and tells me that she needs a Heath bar. When she says she needs a Heath bar, I know exactly what kind of day she's having. When my mom gets like that, she sends me a text that says that she's "weepy". We women are like a club. There's no need to describe why or how. It just IS. These feelings just ARE.
Do men even have hormones? I know they have hormones, but you know what I mean. Most of these ups and downs are directly tied to our hormonal state, and let's be clear here...we are constantly in flux.
Men have no idea what it feels like to wake up and feel like your entire emotional world has spun 180 on its axis overnight. But let me see if I can describe it for you so you can understand.
Men: Think about if you're working in your tool shed and you bang your thumb really hard with the hammer and the second after you bang your thumb, someone walks up to you and wants to have a conversation. That's what it feels like ALL DAY. Not the pain, but the feeling like everyone who wants to interact with you has no concept of what you're feeling inside and you just want everyone to just shut the fuck up so you can process.
Think about the last time that you cried about something. If you're man, that's probably when you either A) Broke up with someone you love or B) Had a family member die. Because men don't cry. I've never seen a man cry unless it is one of these two scenarios. Then, imagine this feeling randomly coming over you for a reason that you simply cannot identify. Like, you're peeling a banana and suddenly it's like your heart is broken. And then someone comes up to you and asks you why you're crying, and you attempt to try to put into words why it is that you're crying, but all you can come up with is that you felt sad about peeling the banana.
So, that's basically what it feels like. And, every woman knows what this feels like, which is why every woman knows how to handle another woman who is in this state.
Men, I recognize that you will never understand.
But perhaps I can give you some advice for what NOT to do when your woman is like this.
1) Don't try to solve the problem. If she's sad about the banana peel, just let her cry about the banana peel. Don't be like, "Why don't we think over other ways that you could open the banana?" "What if we just didn't buy bananas any more?"
2) Don't dismiss her feelings. "Don't you think that maybe you're being a little irrational about the banana peel?" "All bananas get peeled eventually! You need to just get over it!"
3) Don't ask her a million questions. "Do you want me to just get rid of the bananas?" "Do you want me to construct a banana peeling machine to help?" "Should I just go in the kitchen and peel all the bananas so that you don't have to look at them?"
Here's what to do. It's really, really simple.
Just sit down, and listen quietly to her whole story. Give her a hug. Offer to do something nice that you know soothes her. Just LISTEN to her. All she wants is a sympathetic ear, and that's way easier to give than attempting to fix the problem.
And there you have it.
I hope that this has been helpful.
Now, I'm going to go weep into my glass of wine and wait for my husband to come home so I can overwhelm him.
Friend I love you very much but this is just a very distant maybe...
ReplyDeleteA banana? really, Kate. Get over it. A pickle is more like it....much sadder. love, mom
ReplyDelete