Hello Folks,
So, I've been debating whether or not to write a blog entry on pregnancy. I have so many conflicting emotions about sharing my thoughts on this matter. I worry that I will be judged - because I am learning that pregnant women and parents in general are judged harshly...by everyone it seems. Everyone, regardless of whether they have gone through it or not, seems to have opinions on the right and wrong way to be pregnant and raise a child. I worry about sharing Too Much Information. I worry that this has all been discussed, ad nauseam and no one really cares what I might have to say on the topic. Nonetheless, I have so many thoughts, and it feels good to share them with ya'll. So I'm going to jump on in and do it, judgement be damned!
The Obvious
This may be an obvious point, but I will say, for the record, that this is basically the most important, biggest life changing event that has ever happened to me. It feels like my whole world revolves around the fact that I am about to become a mother. What I find interesting about this notion is that conceiving and carrying and birthing a child is a basic human experience that many women go through and it's actually No Big Deal. This realization comes to light especially when going to birthing classes and talking with health professionals who clearly see 9,000,000 pregnant ladies a day. To them, this is No Big Deal. But to me, it's the biggest deal, like, EVER. Who is right? Clearly, it isn't a right or wrong question, but I can see how first time pregnant women can be irritating in their new world view, which is basically that the world revolves around them and this huge *thing* that is happening. All of a sudden, it's hard to find something else to talk about. I didn't want to be that person, but I realize I have become that person. All I do is talk about how I feel about pregnancy. It's so boring. I know it's boring, but I can't. stop. talking. about. it.
The Mental Crisis
You guys...I am not OLD enough to be a mom. Like...mentally. Yet, I'm 36 years old. My ovaries say I'm an OLD pregnant lady. How can this be? I know it to be true, because it says it right there on my medical paperwork, "Advanced maternal age". There are girls half my age birthing kids right now right and left, yet here I am with this mental crisis of not feeling like I'm mature enough to handle the responsibility. Actually, that's not it. I know I'm totally mature enough to handle the responsibility. It's more about aging and the march of time in general. What does it mean that I and all of my friends are having kids these days? What does it mean to be birthing a new generation? What does it mean that I remember my parents and what they were like when they were my age? If I feel old, how must my parents feel about becoming grandparents? What is the point of bringing new life into this world when...global warming? ISIS!?
Bringing children into the world basically states that you are as grown up as you can possibly be. That's not true either. Horrible immature people have kids. I will restate that as saying, MY bringing children into the world is stating that I am truly a grownup now. I am approaching middle-age. That is scary and I'm not ready to identify myself as such. I AM NOT READY!
I asked Ryan the other day, "Why do you think that people have kids? Is it for them or for the kid?" He said, "I think that people have kids for all sorts of different reasons." Ryan is so freaking wise, you guys. It made me think about why he and I are having a kid. I can only speak for myself when I say that I'm doing this for myself. It is an entirely selfish endeavor. I want this new adventure. I choose for this to be part of my life's path. I could very well have chosen a different path without children, which would inevitably involve more money and more freedom, but I decided that this was something I wanted to do. And I do view it as an adventure. I still don't feel like I'm old enough though.
Oh, THE HUMANITY
You guys. I hate being pregnant. Anyone who has spoken to me at any point during this process has been subjected to a diatribe on the subject. I know that there are women out there who love being pregnant, and I am so, so very happy for these women. I would like to understand how and why they feel this way. Really. Is this comfortable for you?
SIDE NOTE: I understand and appreciate that there are many women who have a very hard time getting pregnant and that whining about how I hate being pregnant might seem selfish. I want it to be known that I feel blessed and happy to be able to bring a child into the world and that I am very excited to be a mother. However, I consider the physical state of being pregnant as its own uncomfortable situation and will discuss that discomfort herein.
It makes sense that you don't find out about all of these side effects until they start happening to you. I mean, why would anyone bring up round ligament pain and separating ab muscles if you weren't pregnant? There's no point to that conversation. But, I find it comical how many pregnancy side effects exist and how completely clueless I was when I entered into this contract with the little fetus.
I remember seeing the positive pregnancy test and rushing over to match my test strip with the instructions on the back of the discount amazon.com bag of pregnancy tests that I ordered for $29.99. I remember thinking, "I am going to love and cherish every moment of this amazing time!" I actually had this exact thought, and I laugh at my poor, uneducated, naive self when I remember this moment.
I'm not even going to get into it. It's TMI. I will say that every time I have to move my huge, whale-like corpus from one location to another, I groan loudly, "OH THE HUMANITY". It makes Ryan laugh. He says it sometimes too.
Breaking the Rules
I've broken a bunch of pregnancy rules. Like, I've eaten an ungodly amount of smoked salmon. And, I've had soft cheeses on occasion. And, I only started taking prenatal vitamins when the baby was conceived, not months before. I drank unpasteurized freshly squeezed orange juice from Wegmans for weeks until I suddenly realized what what the concept of "freshly squeezed" meant.
I'm not sleeping on my left side.
I cleaned the bathroom tub with clorox twice.
I changed the litter box like 5 times over the 9 month period.
I got my hair highlighted and painted my nails.
I did NOT exercise 5 times a week for 30 minutes.
I ate prosciutto.
I ate too many carbs.
I hope that the baby is not permanently damaged.
Body Image Issues
I read a lot of blogs and posts and pinterest boards from women who are having a #fitpregnancy and feel jealous...even enraged about my own experience. I had such high hopes of this pregnancy. I was going to gain the minimum amount of healthy weight. I was going to continue working out. I was only going to gain weight in my stomach. Yeah right.
I suppose I could have tried harder. I could have eaten fewer carbs and gone to the gym more. But when one feels miserable and stagnant and sore and exhausted, it's just...hard. It's hard you guys! Some women manage to have their #fitpregnancy. I did not. I am out of shape. My hips and rear are large enough to have their own fan club. Let's just say I've gained more than the lowest healthy amount of weight.
Oh yeah, on Facebook, I LOOK so cute in my shower photos, don't I? That's because I'm lucky and none of the weight has gone to my face, which I understand is rather rare. Also, those are the photos that I chose to share with you guys. There are photos where I looked at myself and didn't recognize what I saw.
The mental anguish of yielding myself to this large change is not insignificant and I've put a lot of thought and tears into it. Is it vain and selfish to feel bad about the changes that the baby has brought to my body? I suppose. But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit to it. I do not wish to start a long discussion on body image issues. I guess what I want to say though, is that I'm going through it. I'm trying to deal with it. It's a real thing. And if you're reading this and you ever want to talk about it, I'm open to talking about it.
Giving Birth
Guess what guys. I'm not afraid of giving birth! I'm not! I'm not afraid of hospitals. I'm not afraid of the medical establishment. I've taken a bunch of classes. Contrary to general belief, I am NOT a total wimp. Yeah, I don't like being in pain, but I am a really strong person and I know that I can do it. Am I planning on having an epidural? That's none of your business. Why does everyone care so much? Why is there judgement about women who want epidurals? My question is, why wouldn't someone want an epidural? Let's just say I am a total fan of modern medicine, but I'll give it nature my best shot.
Meanwhile, so yeah, I bought myself a whole birthing outfit. I bought Binsi skirt and some soft fluffy, lavender-infused socks with tread on the bottom. I've been made fun of by more than one person for my planned birthing outfit and I could give a fuck. This is how I roll.
Also, it's ok for you to keep telling me how hard it's going to be and how much it's going to hurt. I totally believe you, but it's not going to deter me from feeling completely positive about the experience.
The Final Word
I am totally psyched about Baby Cook coming into this world. I'm psyched to not be pregnant any more. I'm psyched to start working on getting back in shape. I'm psyched to have a little human being to teach and be taught by. I'm psyched to see how wonderful a father Ryan will be.
I hope that for as much irritation as I've had with being pregnant in general, I will make up for this with the love of being a mother. I truly believe I could be a great mother.
But, let's just see how the next couple weeks go :)
So, I've been debating whether or not to write a blog entry on pregnancy. I have so many conflicting emotions about sharing my thoughts on this matter. I worry that I will be judged - because I am learning that pregnant women and parents in general are judged harshly...by everyone it seems. Everyone, regardless of whether they have gone through it or not, seems to have opinions on the right and wrong way to be pregnant and raise a child. I worry about sharing Too Much Information. I worry that this has all been discussed, ad nauseam and no one really cares what I might have to say on the topic. Nonetheless, I have so many thoughts, and it feels good to share them with ya'll. So I'm going to jump on in and do it, judgement be damned!
The Obvious
This may be an obvious point, but I will say, for the record, that this is basically the most important, biggest life changing event that has ever happened to me. It feels like my whole world revolves around the fact that I am about to become a mother. What I find interesting about this notion is that conceiving and carrying and birthing a child is a basic human experience that many women go through and it's actually No Big Deal. This realization comes to light especially when going to birthing classes and talking with health professionals who clearly see 9,000,000 pregnant ladies a day. To them, this is No Big Deal. But to me, it's the biggest deal, like, EVER. Who is right? Clearly, it isn't a right or wrong question, but I can see how first time pregnant women can be irritating in their new world view, which is basically that the world revolves around them and this huge *thing* that is happening. All of a sudden, it's hard to find something else to talk about. I didn't want to be that person, but I realize I have become that person. All I do is talk about how I feel about pregnancy. It's so boring. I know it's boring, but I can't. stop. talking. about. it.
The Mental Crisis
You guys...I am not OLD enough to be a mom. Like...mentally. Yet, I'm 36 years old. My ovaries say I'm an OLD pregnant lady. How can this be? I know it to be true, because it says it right there on my medical paperwork, "Advanced maternal age". There are girls half my age birthing kids right now right and left, yet here I am with this mental crisis of not feeling like I'm mature enough to handle the responsibility. Actually, that's not it. I know I'm totally mature enough to handle the responsibility. It's more about aging and the march of time in general. What does it mean that I and all of my friends are having kids these days? What does it mean to be birthing a new generation? What does it mean that I remember my parents and what they were like when they were my age? If I feel old, how must my parents feel about becoming grandparents? What is the point of bringing new life into this world when...global warming? ISIS!?
Bringing children into the world basically states that you are as grown up as you can possibly be. That's not true either. Horrible immature people have kids. I will restate that as saying, MY bringing children into the world is stating that I am truly a grownup now. I am approaching middle-age. That is scary and I'm not ready to identify myself as such. I AM NOT READY!
I asked Ryan the other day, "Why do you think that people have kids? Is it for them or for the kid?" He said, "I think that people have kids for all sorts of different reasons." Ryan is so freaking wise, you guys. It made me think about why he and I are having a kid. I can only speak for myself when I say that I'm doing this for myself. It is an entirely selfish endeavor. I want this new adventure. I choose for this to be part of my life's path. I could very well have chosen a different path without children, which would inevitably involve more money and more freedom, but I decided that this was something I wanted to do. And I do view it as an adventure. I still don't feel like I'm old enough though.
Oh, THE HUMANITY
You guys. I hate being pregnant. Anyone who has spoken to me at any point during this process has been subjected to a diatribe on the subject. I know that there are women out there who love being pregnant, and I am so, so very happy for these women. I would like to understand how and why they feel this way. Really. Is this comfortable for you?
SIDE NOTE: I understand and appreciate that there are many women who have a very hard time getting pregnant and that whining about how I hate being pregnant might seem selfish. I want it to be known that I feel blessed and happy to be able to bring a child into the world and that I am very excited to be a mother. However, I consider the physical state of being pregnant as its own uncomfortable situation and will discuss that discomfort herein.
It makes sense that you don't find out about all of these side effects until they start happening to you. I mean, why would anyone bring up round ligament pain and separating ab muscles if you weren't pregnant? There's no point to that conversation. But, I find it comical how many pregnancy side effects exist and how completely clueless I was when I entered into this contract with the little fetus.
I remember seeing the positive pregnancy test and rushing over to match my test strip with the instructions on the back of the discount amazon.com bag of pregnancy tests that I ordered for $29.99. I remember thinking, "I am going to love and cherish every moment of this amazing time!" I actually had this exact thought, and I laugh at my poor, uneducated, naive self when I remember this moment.
I'm not even going to get into it. It's TMI. I will say that every time I have to move my huge, whale-like corpus from one location to another, I groan loudly, "OH THE HUMANITY". It makes Ryan laugh. He says it sometimes too.
Breaking the Rules
I've broken a bunch of pregnancy rules. Like, I've eaten an ungodly amount of smoked salmon. And, I've had soft cheeses on occasion. And, I only started taking prenatal vitamins when the baby was conceived, not months before. I drank unpasteurized freshly squeezed orange juice from Wegmans for weeks until I suddenly realized what what the concept of "freshly squeezed" meant.
I'm not sleeping on my left side.
I cleaned the bathroom tub with clorox twice.
I changed the litter box like 5 times over the 9 month period.
I got my hair highlighted and painted my nails.
I did NOT exercise 5 times a week for 30 minutes.
I ate prosciutto.
I ate too many carbs.
I hope that the baby is not permanently damaged.
Body Image Issues
I read a lot of blogs and posts and pinterest boards from women who are having a #fitpregnancy and feel jealous...even enraged about my own experience. I had such high hopes of this pregnancy. I was going to gain the minimum amount of healthy weight. I was going to continue working out. I was only going to gain weight in my stomach. Yeah right.
I suppose I could have tried harder. I could have eaten fewer carbs and gone to the gym more. But when one feels miserable and stagnant and sore and exhausted, it's just...hard. It's hard you guys! Some women manage to have their #fitpregnancy. I did not. I am out of shape. My hips and rear are large enough to have their own fan club. Let's just say I've gained more than the lowest healthy amount of weight.
Oh yeah, on Facebook, I LOOK so cute in my shower photos, don't I? That's because I'm lucky and none of the weight has gone to my face, which I understand is rather rare. Also, those are the photos that I chose to share with you guys. There are photos where I looked at myself and didn't recognize what I saw.
 |
| So cute! Not realistic depiction of what's really going on. |
The mental anguish of yielding myself to this large change is not insignificant and I've put a lot of thought and tears into it. Is it vain and selfish to feel bad about the changes that the baby has brought to my body? I suppose. But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit to it. I do not wish to start a long discussion on body image issues. I guess what I want to say though, is that I'm going through it. I'm trying to deal with it. It's a real thing. And if you're reading this and you ever want to talk about it, I'm open to talking about it.
Giving Birth
Guess what guys. I'm not afraid of giving birth! I'm not! I'm not afraid of hospitals. I'm not afraid of the medical establishment. I've taken a bunch of classes. Contrary to general belief, I am NOT a total wimp. Yeah, I don't like being in pain, but I am a really strong person and I know that I can do it. Am I planning on having an epidural? That's none of your business. Why does everyone care so much? Why is there judgement about women who want epidurals? My question is, why wouldn't someone want an epidural? Let's just say I am a total fan of modern medicine, but I'll give it nature my best shot.
Meanwhile, so yeah, I bought myself a whole birthing outfit. I bought Binsi skirt and some soft fluffy, lavender-infused socks with tread on the bottom. I've been made fun of by more than one person for my planned birthing outfit and I could give a fuck. This is how I roll.
Also, it's ok for you to keep telling me how hard it's going to be and how much it's going to hurt. I totally believe you, but it's not going to deter me from feeling completely positive about the experience.
The Final Word
I am totally psyched about Baby Cook coming into this world. I'm psyched to not be pregnant any more. I'm psyched to start working on getting back in shape. I'm psyched to have a little human being to teach and be taught by. I'm psyched to see how wonderful a father Ryan will be.
I hope that for as much irritation as I've had with being pregnant in general, I will make up for this with the love of being a mother. I truly believe I could be a great mother.
But, let's just see how the next couple weeks go :)
Couldn't you just have bought a spa/sauna towel that affixed with Velcro?
ReplyDeleteI think you'll be a great mom!