Reflections on the past 6 months, by Kate

Well, it’s been quite a while since I’ve written.  Now that I’ve been on vacation for one full week, I feel like my brain has calmed down enough to allow me the time and space to actually reflect. 

Reflections on Weddings:

Here is what I think.  I had every intention of being the best wedding planner of all time.  I mean, all I do at work is plan out projects and execute them, so how hard could it be?  The problem is that there is no practice for wedding planning.  Hopefully, you only ever plan for one wedding, so when you do it, it’s your first and last time.  I feel like my wedding was just about as perfect as it could have been.  I have no complaints.  However, in retrospect, there are many things I would change about the planning process itself.  Anyway, I don’t feel like doling out advice.  There are too many websites for that.  I will simply say the following things:

1) The Knot website is poorly designed and difficult to navigate.

2) Paper invitations are best.  No technology in the world can make up for them.

3) Eyelash extensions are a pain in the ass but look amazing.  I’m never getting them again.  I am down 75% of natural eyelashes right now due to the process of attempting to get rid of them. From now on, I’m going with temporary false eyelashes instead. 

4) There is such a thing as too much information.  I know, because I provided it to my guests.  They didn’t need to know nearly as many things as I attempted to communicate to them, which only resulted in a multitude of questions that didn’t need to be answered.

Reflections on Solitude:

So basically, now Ryan and I are living together.  We still haven’t moved into our new apartment yet, but we’re together in the sense that neither of us has to drive to visit each other again.  We’ll be sleeping in the same bed for the foreseeable future.  A lot of people have asked me how I feel about this – whether I am nervous.  The general sentiment seems to be that Ryan and I will have some difficulties because living together is the hardest thing to get used to. 

I will not debate that living together will be one of the most challenging events of our relationship thus far.  However, the thing is, we’ve already had a lot of challenges and we’ve gotten through them just fine.  So, I really think that the concern is not warranted.  I am not worried about living with Ryan, per se.  What I have been thinking about a lot is the loss of my own solitude. 

I’ve been living alone since I graduated college in 2001.  That is a solid 13 years of having my own space.  It’s not physical space as much as it is mental space, I think.  Fundamentally, I am quite happy being alone.  I gather my strength from quiet time by myself (like I’m doing right now, quite frankly).  But, I’ve really had enough of it, I think.  I know that living with Ryan and maybe adding a kid or two to the mix will be a huge shift in my reality, but I must acknowledge how much I long for it sometimes.  

There have been moments over the years when I’ve come home to my empty (or cat-inhabited) apartment to cook a little dinner for myself and watch TV, and I’ve thought about what my peers were doing at that same moment.  I imagined most of them with families or boyfriends or roommates, talking about their day, sharing their meal, debating over what show to watch that night.  And, it’s made me feel lonely.  Waiting to live with Ryan has made me feel extra lonely because I have been anxiously counting down the days. 

I lived with Andy and Andrea for a week before the wedding and it was a total blast.  I LOVED IT.  I LOVED having roommates.  I loved texting with the two of them during the day to discuss what was for dinner.  I loved the idea of taking a walk around Crystal Lake in the evening (which I couldn’t do because of my knee, but whatever). 

Now, it’s time for this big life change, and I feel not only ready for it, but immensely excited about it! 

Wait until I write my next entry on something that drives me crazy about Ryan.  I’m sure it will happen.

Reflections on Moving Home:

Ryan and I will be moving into the apartment where I grew up, in Newton.  The house is a duplex.  My brother and sister-in-law already live downstairs. 

I reflected very little on this at first – only feeling rapturous excitement and relief when my mom said that we could have the apartment. 

I had looked at a bunch of apartments, attempting to find one that would accommodate 2 cats and a grand piano, and came up with very little.  We were looking in Wakefield and Wilmington and Reading.  What I wanted was something like my parents have in Newton – an apartment in a duplex.  What I never really appreciated growing up, was the absolutely pristine job my parents did in maintaining our house.  All of the apartments I looked at were disgusting.  The idea of moving into my old, bright home felt like the best idea ever.

But then I really started thinking about it.  Did I ever think that at age 35, I would be living “back at home”?  No.  When I was a teen, I wrote an essay about that house and how much I loved it and wanted to be a big tree and bury my roots in the front yard.  Since then, my sentiments have changed, thank goodness.  It would be pretty sad if I pined away for my childhood home all the time. 

I think the concept is pretty obvious – we like what’s familiar.  Some of us, like me, REALLY like what’s familiar.  When we are kids, the idea of leaving the familiar is scary.  When we’re adults, we’ve hopefully learned to embrace change.  I think I’ve become much better at embracing change (not as good as Peter Dixon, but whatever), and so I haven’t felt sad about the family house in a long time.  Part of this is also because my parents still own it, so even with tenants in it, it still feels like it’s mine.  I can still go over there and walk around like I own the place.

So now, Ryan and I are moving in.  I’ve been attempting to figure out a way that I can set up the master bedroom such that it doesn’t look exactly like my parents’ old bedroom, but I’m coming up short.  All I can see is the way my mom decorated the place.  I think it’s important for Ryan and me to feel like we’re starting a life together in this house, but is that possible when I’m partially reliving one?

Side Note: What the HELL is going on in Newton?  It’s become 10X more snobby since I lived there.  I’m almost glad that we will live in the “poor” part of Newton because I don’t want to be associated with this rampant snobbery.  (The “poor” parts of Newton have duplexes.)

I think what bothers me most about this whole situation is the creeping feeling I have about what others will think.  I know what I think about people who never leave home – people who are scared to make changes.  Am I one of these people?

Ryan was a little iffy at first about the idea.  I think he viewed me maybe as one of those scared-to-make-changes people.  But now that he’s seen the house, he seems thrilled.  I mean, it IS a nice house.  And, the idea of sharing it with Andy and Andrea for a few years sounds like so much fun.  I actually can’t wait. 

I think perhaps I will stop worrying about it and look at this as what it is: A Great Opportunity. 

Ryan and I will buy our own house one day, but until then, what’s wrong with living in Newton in a big apartment and getting subsidized rent?  Nada.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I know this was not a funny entry.  I'll think of something funny and entertaining to say next time.