"Welcome to Motherhood" - An all encompassing guidance manual

Hi guys, 

Thanks to Clive Higgins for his suggestion on the title for this blog post.

In this post, I shall attempt to summarize what I have learned so far about new motherhood.

Let's start though, with the fact that I'm tired.  I'm bone-deep, in another world tired.  It doesn't matter how much help I get (and I have a LOT of help)...this tiredness makes me feel like I'm not actually here.  I'm really deep inside my head somewhere, sort of swimming up toward the surface.  When people talk to me, I try to find the appropriate words sometimes and they won't come.  I told Ryan the other day that I could probably lie down in the median of the highway, up against the metal divider in the dirty grass with the plastic cups and detritus all around me and fall soundly asleep.  I think maybe it is starting to get slightly better, but I'm unsure.  Really, I should be sleeping now and not writing this blog post.  But it feels so good to do something *normal*, you know?

Anyway, I promised an all-encompassing manual.  Guess what - you're not getting that. What kind of person can write an all-encompassing manual on motherhood?  I guess Clive (my old boss) thinks I could.  I've certainly written a lot of manuals in my time.  But on this subject, I feel there can be no manual.  I guess I could write a manual on my own kid, after I've gotten to know her a little better.  But that wouldn't apply across all kids and would therefore be useless.

 

Instead, I give you the top 10 things that I have learned thus far that seem to be universal truths:

1) Don't google baby questions at 3AM

2) The roof is not leaking - it is your breast

3) All those people who say they can't find time to take a shower are absolutely right

4) Pacifiers do not come with a strap to go around baby's head to keep them in, but they should

5) Infants have no schedule.  There is no schedule.  Just stop trying.

6) Poop can be all sorts of colors and you shouldn't freak out about it

7) 10pm - 12pm + 1am - 3am + 4am - 6am does not equal 6 hours of sleep.  I don't care if it adds up.  

8) Really, when it comes down to it, the division of labor when it comes to conceiving, carrying, birthing, recovering from birthing, and nursing a baby is basically not fair and never will be fair and cannot be made fair.

9) No amount of money is too much when it comes to buying an item that will make your baby sleep.

10) Do not read articles on SIDS right before going to bed

That's all I got so far.

I guess I should have written something inspiring and worldly about being a new mother and how much I love my little girl.  But, quite frankly, I'm too exhausted.

She's really cute though.